Winter
by PiperNickson
Summary: This is a little piece I wrote for a February Prompt over on DeviantART, thought I would share it here also. Horizon - from Kaidan Alenko's perspective. Rated T - but there is some mild sexual reference, if you are allergic to romance as well you might want to steer clear :D


**Title**: Staring at the mess I've made  
**Author**: Dinkymew  
**Game**: Mass Effect 2  
**Disclaimer**: Bioware owns all content and characters related to the Mass Effect Franchise. The original character of Abigail Shepard is my own creation inspired by the character of Jane Shepard created by Bioware. Any original characters herein are my own creation and are not necessarily affiliated with Bioware. The content of this fan-fiction may deviate from the original game storyline and for this I ask your forgiveness; any anomalies are for entertainment purposes and not to offend.  
**Characters Featured**: Kaidan Alenko (M); Abigail Shepard (F) **Other Characters**: Captain David Anderson (M); Jeff 'Joker' Moreau (M); Garrus Vakarian (M)

_I know she's alive. _

_That thought; singular in its simplicity fills me with a strength that overrides every broken bone and pain in my body as I grab at the rubble piled high in the Presidium Council Chambers. I saw her – bright, shining like an ethereal archangel dressed in armour as she had turned to us in those last moments screaming at us to move. _

_I didn't see what she had seen; but then I rarely did – there was just an explosion so loud I thought my ears would burst and I had been battered around in the cloudy blackness, assaulted by rock and shards of metal that cut right through my armour. How I survived is a miracle. _

_Little spots of red land on the rocks as I pull and heave them free, I know she is here somewhere. Absently I wipe my bleeding nose with the back of my hand, I think I am bleeding elsewhere, but I have no time to stop and look, not until I find the Commander._

"_Kaidan!" I hear Captain Anderson's voice boom over the noise of the C-Sec operatives below, I should salute and give him a report, but I don't care – to hell with my job if she's gone. They can throw me in the brig after._

_I push the boulder aside and it rattles down the rest of the debris, echoing loudly in the chamber. Below the spears of metal have created a little hollow, bent and surrounded by the rubble I can see her. She's lying on her back, one arm twisted above her head, the other by her side. _

"_Abby!" I call to her, reaching inside, but she is too far down for me to get to her "Abby, please." I beg. _

_I plead. I pray to God, his angels; hell the devil – anyone who will listen – to open her eyes. To have her look at me. To have her against me again; even if it's only once – even if it's only so I can tell her how much I love her. So I can whisper those words I should have told her every day since she boarded the Normandy – for they were true from the start. _

"_Don't leave me behind." I whisper, reaching against the howl of my ribs, my gloved fingers brush hers – limp above her head. Her hands jerks at the touch and with it her whole body moves, wrenching forward as she barrels into a wracking cough, blood pooling at the corners of her mouth. _

"_Abigail!" I call and she looks up at me, her blue eyes reddened from the dust, a dirty bruise already forming on her beautiful jawline. She smiles, her eyes filling with a light I know is just for me, and I reach for her. This time she reaches for me, grabbing my forearm as I haul her from the rubble. _

_She clings to me, her breath hitching with pain as I draw her over the debris, falling onto my back with her in my arms. I hold her there a moment, the weight of her against me reassuring; her chest heaving against mine; her breath hot on my neck. I crush my face against her; breathe in the scent of her hair. She's ok. _

_She's alive._

_Against me she shudders into a laugh, pushing herself up with her hands as her long dark hair falls around me._

"_We did it Kaidan." She breathes and she presses her lips to mine. _

"_Commander." The voice is stern, and my heart leaps into my throat as I realise it is the Captain. Equally chagrined Abigail flinches, her blue eyes opening to stare into mine in mutual horror as we realise what we have just done…_

_When I came upon her in that hollow, and for the briefest of moments I thought I had lost her, I thought that was the worst moment in my life. I was unprepared, and I'll be the first to admit it. I was wrong. _

_I remember the Normandy going down. I like to pretend that I don't; it's easier to avoid it than relive it, but I remember the oddest details of that day…_

"_Kaidan…" She groans against me, but I'm not letting her go anywhere, with my thumbs in the belt loops of her combats I hold her against me, kissing her deeply and silencing the complaints before they come. Moments like this are hard to grab with Shepard, and I don't plan on missing a single one. _

_She pushes against me with her hands at first, as though putting up a fight, but I feel her mouth change to a smile, feel the strength in those hands falter as they instead slip around my neck. My desire for her is insatiable, unstoppable and for a moment I wonder if being on the Normandy is the best thing for us. She is a major bloody distraction and the deeper I get the more difficult it is to see that line. _

"_I'm supposed to be doing reports." She whispers against my lips and I smile, shaking my head as my hands – as though they have a mind of their own – tug at the bottom hem of her t-shirt. They slip inside against hot, writhing skin and she grins wickedly at me, her mouth finding mine once more. She's like a star in my arms, it feels neither right nor wrong – it feels above those petty decisions. It's gone beyond that. This is need._

"_Kaidan." She purrs against my ear and I lift her against me, stumbling a little as we crash toward the bed – it's not my greatest moment by far, but she doesn't seem to care as we smash against the sheets. "I love you." She whispers and I hesitate as her hand comes to my face. _

_Gently I kiss her pouring everything I feel for her into it. Hoping that my actions can speak where my words cannot. _

_The world rocks. _

_I open my eyes and her blue ones are staring into mine. She felt it too. _

_Another rocking sensation, this time so strong I have to grab at the bed to keep from toppling onto the floor._

"_What the hell?" She barks, bucking under me. I move my arm, releasing her and she marches to her console, the ship rocking as she moves forcing her to grab at her desk to keep her balance._

"_Joker!" She orders into her comm "What the hell is that?"_

"_You might want to come to the bridge Commander" Joker calls back, his voice laced with irritation and panic "We have a problem."_

_She looks at me, her blue eyes like steel once more and I feel something begin to swell in my gut. She hesitates, her mouth opening as if to say something to me, but she doesn't, she turns and then she is gone. _

_Gone._

_I waited for her; like I had after the attack at the Citadel. I expected her to come back to me; like she always did. _

_If I had known that was going to be the last time I would hold her I would have told her everything on my mind. If I had known that I would never look into those beautiful eyes again I would never have let her go. If I had known that she would die on the Normandy that night I would never have let her order me off the ship; I would have stayed to the end._

_If I could have seen her just one more time I would tell her that I love her. That I've always loved her. _

_That I always will love her. _

_Always._

_And then there were rumours she's alive. That she's been alive all along; that the last two years of my life have been some kind of sick fantasy, some kind of torment to punish me for leaving her behind. For just following orders; damn did I not learn that lesson the hard way?_

_I didn't believe the rumours, not really. I hoped; between visits with my parents and the squints on the Citadel I hoped in silence, maintaining a façade of sanity while I prayed and investigated on my own steam. Anderson shut me out – he wouldn't tell me anything; and now I'm here. And she's here._

_She's alive._

"_It's been too long Kaidan." She says, those blue eyes finding mine "How've you been?"_

_I blink, unable to breath, unable to think. My heart in my chest has stopped – like a rock it sits there uselessly. She looks just the same. How could two years have left her so unchanged? So perfect still while they had destroyed me? Did I fall asleep? Did she just come back from speaking to Joker? Oh, Shepard, I had the craziest nightmare – I dreamt that you died, that I was chucked in an Alliance clinic for a year; had to work my way back to my job – but it was all a dream. Wasn't it?_

"_Is that all you have to say?" I hear my voice and it's alien to me, laced with bitterness and contempt "You show up after two years and just pretend like nothing has happened?" It asks, anger knocking it an octave higher "I thought we had something, something real." It persists, heated and hurt and so angry "I loved you!" My heart suddenly bursts to life; hammering off my ribs with a ferocity that makes my head spin. I can feel the anger inside me; hot and malleable as it twists inside me, stabbing me with its blade of vice every time I look at her. "Why didn't you try to contact me?" I ask her, I beg her, but the heat in my voice changes the meaning of my words into something unrecognisable. I am out of control as I try to catch a breath "Why didn't you tell me you were alive?!"_

_She flinches, shrinking back a little as she glances behind her to where Garrus stands with some woman I don't recognise. When she turns back to me her eyes are cold hard steel, her face expressionless, unreadable. "I'm sorry." She says firmly, her chin rising a little "I was clinically dead; it took two years to bring me back. So much time had passed… I thought you'd have moved on… I didn't want to open old wounds – I didn-"_

"_I did move on." I know it's a lie, I know it the moment my mouth forms the words "Or at least I thought I did." I relent, pressing a hand into my hip as I take stock; shaking my head I turn my gaze back to her "But then there were rumours that you weren't dead, that you were working for Cerberus. Anderson wouldn't tell me anything, he stonewalled me, shut me out – and I didn't believe them, not really; but now this…" I look at her helplessly and she is shaking her head; she takes a step toward me._

"_I know it looks bad Kaidan, but it's not… I'm not working for Cerberus – I mean not really… I'm working with them; to investigate these missing colonies."_

_I hear her word as they rattle inside my head like it's made of tin; the Shepard I knew would never say that. She would never cow-tow to Cerberus; never. Cerberus were monsters, they did atrocious things to people – to whole colonies – and we had fought them together; lived through the horrors; she would never align herself with them. She would die first._

"_I can't believe – can you even hear yourself?" I ask her and her mouth clicks closed as she glares at me "I wanted to believe the rumours were true." I breathe brokenly, my voice wavering with emotion that I fight to stamp out, my heart aching as I fight against the tears that threaten "But I never expected anything like this!" I feel heat creep into my face as my temper spirals out of my grasp, this imposter has stolen her body – is standing in front of me and pouting as though she could ever be the woman I loved "You've turned your back on everything we believed in!" I cry, my anger burning my tears dry as I take a step toward her "You've betrayed the Alliance! You've betrayed me!"_

_Garrus takes a wary step forward, standing next to her as I regain control, just enough to catch my breath. I see her fists curl at her sides and she shakes her head heatedly "Kaidan you know me!" She shouts at me, her eyes filling with tears as she bears her soul to me once more "You know I would only be doing this for the right reasons!"_

_Beside her Garrus reaches a hand toward me, his eyes half obscured by a sniper visor as he clears his throat "You're too close Kaidan." He offers, without malice "You're not seeing the bigger picture here."_

_Beside him Shepard nods, her dark hair falling around her shoulders as she does "You're letting how you feel about our past with them get in the way of the facts; it's Collector's harvesting human colonies and they are working with the Reapers, Cerberus has no involvement beyond our investigating."_

_I glance from her eyes, unable to look at them as I move my shoulders "Maybe." I whisper "Or maybe you feel like you owe them something because they brought you back. Maybe they're using that and the threat of Reapers to manipulate you." _

"_Dammit Kaidan! You really think I would let that happen?" Garrus shouts beside her and I turn a warning gaze on him. They have no right to come here and tell me what I should believe; dammit I have no idea what to believe – what's right or wrong anymore. I flash hot and cold as my mind reels with emotions and memories, feelings I had long buried erupting to the surface like some dormant volcano gone wild. _

_I turn from them, turn from Shepard – the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done in my life. It sucks at my soul, the first time I have felt it since she died. I swallow, forcing the tears at bay as I clear my throat.  
"I have to get back to the Citadel." I say to the sky, gulping deep breaths as I fight to keep the deck dry. "They can decide whether they believe your story or not." I hear the venom in my voice and I hate myself. I move away, feeling suddenly adrift and without anchor as I step from her presence. _

"_Don't go!" She says, her voice as strained and emotional as mine. I don't look back – I don't dare look at those eyes again "I could use someone like you on the crew." She whispers "It would just be like old times."_

_I swallow, feeling the cool breeze against hot tears as they course down my face "No it won't." I choke, holding my composure enough to glance over my shoulder. I avoid her face, instead looking at the outline of her dark hair as it bounces around her shoulders, the breeze picks up loose strands and I remember how they felt against my skin "I'll never work for Cerberus." I close my eyes as I start to walk again "I'm an Alliance soldier." I say, more to myself than to her "Always will be."_

_I feel a crushing weight settle in my chest; like gravity or a black hole, the grief is overpowering, all-consuming and I know that I have lost her forever._

"_Goodbye," I whisper but the words are swallowed by the wind "And be careful, Shepard."_


End file.
